I know this might not be the cheeriest blog, but I just need to vent. I am tired. I am tired of battles everyday. I am tired of hearing people who are taking trips here or there, to Hawaii or what have you,and we can't afford to even go camping. It sucks.
I am tired of being broke. This route the hubby is on has put us so far behind on credit cards and such that most paydays I don't even get to go grocery shopping.
Then, when a better route comes up, Dick can't have it because someone above him in seniority votes on that route.
We tithe, we give offerings, sow seeds,and serve,and we just can never catch a break.
I don't spend money frivolously, I haven't bought new jeans for myself in a year! My tennis shoes are crap and Annie needs new carpet in her room DESPERATELY. I need restoration!
My hubby works his tail off,and I work when I can at the church. We just always struggle. I am tired of driving Rachel's car and adding extra wear and tear to it.
Some how, God makes it stretch, but I want to be able to buy a steak and have a steak once in a while, or go out with the fam. Is that too much to ask?
I am tired of the Obama adminstration and the state Government of California. The Obamas act like King and Queen with the peons at their disposal. Tax hikes here, bad plans for medical care, and taxpayer funded abortions.
California elects a known liberal governor who signs a bill making it mandatory to teach Homosexual contributions to American History.
I am tired of voting and my vote counts for (sorry,in advance) shit.
California's majority of voters TWICE voted in favor of traditional marriage,and liberal activist judges decide we don't know what we want.
I am tired of just day to day struggles. I am tired of people who make two or three times what we do looking down their nose at us and wondering why we have a hard time making ends meet.
I am just tired,and I need a break. So do alot of us. I wish it were time for Jesus to come.
Jesus, if you aren't going to come yet, can't we catch a break and have some money to do something fun with? Please?
Now I have ranted. Think what you want, it's how I feel right now.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wishing and griping
Lately, I have been really struggling with some things. For one; we tithe faithfully nearly every payday. That isn't a gripe. However; we still struggle to make ends meet.
On top of that, Dick has had a route for the last six months that doesn't allow for much overtime.
That makes it really hard to stay on top of things. One week, his check for two weeks was 1100.00. Our mortgage is 1199.00. Add utilities, food(what food? Grocery shopping? really? what's that?)
you get the idea.
I see so many people who don't serve God, don't pay taxes, and definitely don't tithe and they have oodles of money to do things. WE didn't even get to go camping this summer!
I am tired of seeing posts on facebook about "Going to eat here" or "In San Diego" or even a movie,and we can't do much of anything. I am tired of trying to figure out which bill I can pay,and how am I going to get the shoes I so desperately need? I am tired of struggling,and tired (frankly) of trying to be faithful,and we just can't catch a break. I am so done. Stick a fork in me.
On top of that, Dick has had a route for the last six months that doesn't allow for much overtime.
That makes it really hard to stay on top of things. One week, his check for two weeks was 1100.00. Our mortgage is 1199.00. Add utilities, food(what food? Grocery shopping? really? what's that?)
you get the idea.
I see so many people who don't serve God, don't pay taxes, and definitely don't tithe and they have oodles of money to do things. WE didn't even get to go camping this summer!
I am tired of seeing posts on facebook about "Going to eat here" or "In San Diego" or even a movie,and we can't do much of anything. I am tired of trying to figure out which bill I can pay,and how am I going to get the shoes I so desperately need? I am tired of struggling,and tired (frankly) of trying to be faithful,and we just can't catch a break. I am so done. Stick a fork in me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Finding Daddy in God
A week or so ago, I was scrolling through my ipod looking for something to listen to. I saw the name "Jennifer Miller" curious, I decided to give it a go.
Before I go further, let me set this up. I grew up in a two parent family, (for the most part, they separated several times and nearly divorced once) my dad is the kind of person that if you ask for something, and he gives it to you, there are strings attached, or he wants a lot of information; what is it for, don't give it to the church, etc. So, asking for anything from my dad is something I absolutely loathe doing.
Jennifer's story is that her family seemed happy enough, and they all loved the Lord until her dad left when she was 7. That pretty much left them with no income. When her dad lived with them, she could go to her dad whenever she needed something.
When he left, her mother told the children that God was their daddy,and if they needed something, they should ask their daddy. They did,and time and time again, he came through. In an amazing way. The family's faith was amazing.
It's easy for me to say to someone else that God is their daddy, and he will provide all your needs, but for whatever reason, although I know he loves me, it's been hard for me to think of him as MY daddy.
After listening to Jennifer Miller, I laid in bed that night thinking about what she said,and her testimony.
With a daughter getting married, it's really tight here. We are doing a wedding on a ridiculously small budget, less than 3,000.00 .
No one has offered help with money,but we have had offers of decorating items that will save us plenty and one friend offered a chocolate fountain and fruit to go with it ,as her gift to Hannah!
One thing Hannah and her fiancee thought would be helpful is if family wanted to, would they pitch in on the photographer.
I asked my dad,and opened a can of worms. "I never thought that would be a wedding gift I would want to give my grand daughter" "What do you mean, transportation?" "Isn't there a photographer in town who can do the pictures?"(Not for the price she is doing it for) " Does she have experience?" "Why isn't Hannah asking me this?" Those are really questions that he asked me. I cried.
That is exactly why I didn't want to ask,but did anyway, and wished I hadn't, as is the usual result. Ugh.
Wonder if I will ever learn.
Back to God, I laid in bed that night and thought about how 450.00 would be awesome right now. I decided to give God a try, asking him as daddy, not just God.
Oh boy. I thought I was going to just be able to do it without a problem. Not so. I began praying (out loud) "God..." I felt the impression "I am your DADDY" I tried again "God..." ugh. I should be able to do this! I am a grown woman for goodness sake!
"I am your DADDY ask me as your daddy" Okay, here goes. I literally closed my eyes, squinted them shut, really, and decided I was going to do it. "Daddy, I need $450.00" (only if I typed the way I said it , it would be "DaddyIneed450.00" I laid there for a second, waiting, with my eyes still squinted shut.
Nothing. By that I mean, I didn't get the usual 3rd degree that I do with my biological father.
"Hmmm..." I thought. "That wasn't so bad" I don't know if he will give me $450.00 but I just know that I didn't get the barrage of questions that I do with my biological dad.
Don't get the impression that I don't love my dad, I do. He is my dad,but I also know him,and I know how it is every time I ask for something. I get the 3rd degree, or there are strings attached. When my mom died, he had us go through the house and my mom's clothes only a few days after we buried mom. As we were going through the house, he would say things like "This is MINE. ,and that is so and so's" or "I bought that bedroom set for your mom" The day we had the funeral, we got back to my Grandma's house,and he had my sisters and I go through mom's jewelry. Every time I would say there was something I wanted, my sister would say she wanted it. Finally, we came to a ring and earring set made of coral that mom got in Hawaii. I wanted it. I practically had to beg my dad for it. It was basically the only thing I got out of all my mom' s jewelry. I had to tell my dad how much it meant to me,how badly I wanted it,and I didn't care if I got anything else(Mom had some pretty pieces of jewelry) just the ring and earrings. I got it, but at a price. That's how it is with my dad.
That night though, when I asked my daddy God, I didn't get the barrage of questions.I didn't get the strings that always come with, or the feeling of guilt for asking. And feeling like a beggar.
I don't know if that is how dad intends to be, but it's how he is. He's not a bad guy, he is careful with his money,and I get that. I try to be careful with ours as well. But we struggle,and trying to do this wedding on a super tight, practically impossible budget is daunting.
Now though, even if I don't get the 450.00, I know that I can go to my daddy God,with my needs and wants,and I won' t have to feel like I am on trial! I think I can call him daddy, at least much easier than before!
Before I go further, let me set this up. I grew up in a two parent family, (for the most part, they separated several times and nearly divorced once) my dad is the kind of person that if you ask for something, and he gives it to you, there are strings attached, or he wants a lot of information; what is it for, don't give it to the church, etc. So, asking for anything from my dad is something I absolutely loathe doing.
Jennifer's story is that her family seemed happy enough, and they all loved the Lord until her dad left when she was 7. That pretty much left them with no income. When her dad lived with them, she could go to her dad whenever she needed something.
When he left, her mother told the children that God was their daddy,and if they needed something, they should ask their daddy. They did,and time and time again, he came through. In an amazing way. The family's faith was amazing.
It's easy for me to say to someone else that God is their daddy, and he will provide all your needs, but for whatever reason, although I know he loves me, it's been hard for me to think of him as MY daddy.
After listening to Jennifer Miller, I laid in bed that night thinking about what she said,and her testimony.
With a daughter getting married, it's really tight here. We are doing a wedding on a ridiculously small budget, less than 3,000.00 .
No one has offered help with money,but we have had offers of decorating items that will save us plenty and one friend offered a chocolate fountain and fruit to go with it ,as her gift to Hannah!
One thing Hannah and her fiancee thought would be helpful is if family wanted to, would they pitch in on the photographer.
I asked my dad,and opened a can of worms. "I never thought that would be a wedding gift I would want to give my grand daughter" "What do you mean, transportation?" "Isn't there a photographer in town who can do the pictures?"(Not for the price she is doing it for) " Does she have experience?" "Why isn't Hannah asking me this?" Those are really questions that he asked me. I cried.
That is exactly why I didn't want to ask,but did anyway, and wished I hadn't, as is the usual result. Ugh.
Wonder if I will ever learn.
Back to God, I laid in bed that night and thought about how 450.00 would be awesome right now. I decided to give God a try, asking him as daddy, not just God.
Oh boy. I thought I was going to just be able to do it without a problem. Not so. I began praying (out loud) "God..." I felt the impression "I am your DADDY" I tried again "God..." ugh. I should be able to do this! I am a grown woman for goodness sake!
"I am your DADDY ask me as your daddy" Okay, here goes. I literally closed my eyes, squinted them shut, really, and decided I was going to do it. "Daddy, I need $450.00" (only if I typed the way I said it , it would be "DaddyIneed450.00" I laid there for a second, waiting, with my eyes still squinted shut.
Nothing. By that I mean, I didn't get the usual 3rd degree that I do with my biological father.
"Hmmm..." I thought. "That wasn't so bad" I don't know if he will give me $450.00 but I just know that I didn't get the barrage of questions that I do with my biological dad.
Don't get the impression that I don't love my dad, I do. He is my dad,but I also know him,and I know how it is every time I ask for something. I get the 3rd degree, or there are strings attached. When my mom died, he had us go through the house and my mom's clothes only a few days after we buried mom. As we were going through the house, he would say things like "This is MINE. ,and that is so and so's" or "I bought that bedroom set for your mom" The day we had the funeral, we got back to my Grandma's house,and he had my sisters and I go through mom's jewelry. Every time I would say there was something I wanted, my sister would say she wanted it. Finally, we came to a ring and earring set made of coral that mom got in Hawaii. I wanted it. I practically had to beg my dad for it. It was basically the only thing I got out of all my mom' s jewelry. I had to tell my dad how much it meant to me,how badly I wanted it,and I didn't care if I got anything else(Mom had some pretty pieces of jewelry) just the ring and earrings. I got it, but at a price. That's how it is with my dad.
That night though, when I asked my daddy God, I didn't get the barrage of questions.I didn't get the strings that always come with, or the feeling of guilt for asking. And feeling like a beggar.
I don't know if that is how dad intends to be, but it's how he is. He's not a bad guy, he is careful with his money,and I get that. I try to be careful with ours as well. But we struggle,and trying to do this wedding on a super tight, practically impossible budget is daunting.
Now though, even if I don't get the 450.00, I know that I can go to my daddy God,with my needs and wants,and I won' t have to feel like I am on trial! I think I can call him daddy, at least much easier than before!
Monday, January 24, 2011
When You Least Expect It!
Wow. Can't believe it's been nearly a year since I last blogged. Well, since I blogged on this one. I have another blog, but it is for only a few peeps right now. I may make it more public one day, when the journey is done.
Anyhow, I wanted to blog about a way that God used me Saturday night. JoAnn McFatter was at church, doing worship. I was pretty down, it had been a rough week.During worship, my friend Sheila was going full speed as usual. Suddenly, I saw her arcing backwards, and I knew she was going to end up on the floor. Sure enough, she ended up on the floor, very pretzel like. Feet under the knees, on her elbows, panting. I looked at her,and put my hand on her. "More Jesus, More"I said. (Not for my benefit) Then I had a picture of a cloud blowing wind. Just like in the old cartoons, when the cartoonist would depict the wind, with a drawing of a cloud, with big cheeks, puckered lips,and lines to represent the air being blown out. I stood for a few seconds,and kept seeing the picture in my minds eye. Thinking maybe I was supposed to say something to Sheila about it, I knelt down and told her. A few minutes later,when she was able, she got up and told me I had hit it on the head.
Sheila said she didn't fall down herself (I knew that) but that she felt air being blown into her!
Wow. I just stood there, I am sure mouth hanging open! Then, we got confirmation right after that. JoAnn said something about the breath of God. Then, shortly after that, yet another confirmation.I was just amazed. I hadn't gotten up from the floor yet,and after Sheila telling me I couldn't get up for a few minutes! I just laughed, thinking how I came in so discouraged,and worn out, and God used me to encourage someone else, leaving ME feeling more encouraged as well!
The whole vision thing is fairly new to me, so I am not always sure if I am seeing what I think I am. This I think is the first time that I have received confirmation!
Thank you Jesus, for allowing me to be blessed and encouraged in a way that was totally not about me! I try not to be selfish and self centered. Sometimes, with the stuff that has been going on, it's hard to see beyond this household. I am so happy that I was able to get outside of that,and do something that encouraged someone else in such a big way!
Help me to stay humble, God. I don't want it to be "Me me me" I really don't!
Anyhow, I wanted to blog about a way that God used me Saturday night. JoAnn McFatter was at church, doing worship. I was pretty down, it had been a rough week.During worship, my friend Sheila was going full speed as usual. Suddenly, I saw her arcing backwards, and I knew she was going to end up on the floor. Sure enough, she ended up on the floor, very pretzel like. Feet under the knees, on her elbows, panting. I looked at her,and put my hand on her. "More Jesus, More"I said. (Not for my benefit) Then I had a picture of a cloud blowing wind. Just like in the old cartoons, when the cartoonist would depict the wind, with a drawing of a cloud, with big cheeks, puckered lips,and lines to represent the air being blown out. I stood for a few seconds,and kept seeing the picture in my minds eye. Thinking maybe I was supposed to say something to Sheila about it, I knelt down and told her. A few minutes later,when she was able, she got up and told me I had hit it on the head.
Sheila said she didn't fall down herself (I knew that) but that she felt air being blown into her!
Wow. I just stood there, I am sure mouth hanging open! Then, we got confirmation right after that. JoAnn said something about the breath of God. Then, shortly after that, yet another confirmation.I was just amazed. I hadn't gotten up from the floor yet,and after Sheila telling me I couldn't get up for a few minutes! I just laughed, thinking how I came in so discouraged,and worn out, and God used me to encourage someone else, leaving ME feeling more encouraged as well!
The whole vision thing is fairly new to me, so I am not always sure if I am seeing what I think I am. This I think is the first time that I have received confirmation!
Thank you Jesus, for allowing me to be blessed and encouraged in a way that was totally not about me! I try not to be selfish and self centered. Sometimes, with the stuff that has been going on, it's hard to see beyond this household. I am so happy that I was able to get outside of that,and do something that encouraged someone else in such a big way!
Help me to stay humble, God. I don't want it to be "Me me me" I really don't!
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